Dog Forum banner

Rehome? Not sure what to do

1K views 7 replies 5 participants last post by  emeraldecho 
#1 ·
Hello, I am new to the group and I have an 11 month old Boston Terrier that I am considering rehoming. I've read a lot of "rehome" posts but decided to create my own post as circumstances for everyone are different.

Backstory: My husband and I had a Boston Terrier for 14 years and he passed away last year. We were devastated. His last year or two of life was a bit rough and with several health issues, it felt like I was a 24/7 hospice nurse. It was definitely very taxing on me as the primary caregiver (my husband travels extensively for half the year and the other half he is home more often). We decided that we were not going to get another dog after ours passed away. We wanted to take time to travel, etc.

Two months after he died, we started feeling like our house was too quiet (even though we have a 12 year old son who keeps us busy). We ended up looking at rescues and breeders and ended up finding a Boston Terrier breeder with puppies that would be ready to go home around Christmas time. We were so excited...until I had a sudden change of heart. It was like someone flipped a switch in me. I started to have a lot of anxiety and doubt. I expressed this to my husband that maybe we should not get the puppy. He kept insisting that it's probably just puppy blues and that once I see the dog, I will love him. I spent a week convincing him otherwise, but ultimately we ended up getting the dog. I don't want to paint my husband in a bad light, I think he saw how excited I was about getting a dog initially and I think he was trying to be supportive in his own way, knowing how much I missed our other dog.

Well, let's just say things did not go smoothly. Our puppy was nothing like our experience with our first Boston Terrier. I know all dogs have their own personalities and I have since learned that our first dog was super chill and easy going, even as a puppy. The new puppy bit us like crazy, wouldn't sleep during the day (we finally learned about forced naps after a while), he was ripping our clothes from biting, throwing himself against the cabinets when he knew it was meal time. We felt like we couldn't do anything except watch him 24/7. I know some of this was to be expected because he was a puppy! I am not naive, but I think that this little guy was just so much more work than our first experience.

My anxiety levels skyrocketed. I started getting really depressed. Chronic health issues that I have had for years flared up and some new health issues popped up. I struggled big time.

We ended up getting a trainer and certain things got better with his behavior, we settled into a bit of a routine, but I still always had a level of anxiety and depression that was hard to shake. I am someone who goes all in when I commit to something so I did a lot of research, bought tons of toys for stimulation/learning, etc. I feel like I poured as much energy into our puppy as I could. But it came at a cost of my health. I wasn't doing well mentally or physically.

I feel like my anxiety about the dog got a little better for a few months but then in August my anxiety and depression got even worse when it came to the dog. He still had some behavioral stuff to work on and I had been solely taking care of him for months at this point so I think everything just escalated. I started to feel trapped and suffocated and like perhaps we need to rehome him.

This brings me to today. I am still struggling a lot mentally. And Physically. I keep feeling deep in my heart that I cannot commit myself to our dog in the way that he deserves. As I said, I tend to go all in, so feeling like I am not the best dog mom has really weighed heavily on me. I also feel like there are things he needs that I cannot give him. For instance, he is a big puller on walks. He has hurt me twice nearly yanking my arm out of the socket. Having some physical limitations with a really strong, energetic dog doesn't mesh well. He's also very needy. He doesn't have separation anxiety but he's whiny and demands attention a lot. I think if I was in a better place, mentally and physically, I could handle it more. But again, I feel suffocated. My husband doesn't want to give the puppy away but he recognizes how much this has affected me and has agreed that if we need to do that we can do that. Our 12 year old loves our puppy but he rarely plays with him or pays him a lot of attention. He has even said that he doesn't like seeing how our puppy has affected me and our household.

I just don't know what to do. We all love him and he loves us. He's a good dog for the most part (he has started more nipping and grunting In very specific circumstances and we know how to work around it, but it still bothers me and scares me). We give him a good home. Because I am basically the one taking care of the dog most of the time, this decision falls on me.

I do think that there are things our puppy would love that we cannot offer like a bigger yard to run in and perhaps another dog in the home to play with since he loves attention and playing. We are a pretty low-key family and I sometimes think he would do better in a higher energy family. In other words, I know we give him a good life, but I wonder if there is a family better suited for him?

If we did choose to rehome it would be one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Personally, I would be heartbroken because I would feel like I failed him. But I am also concerned for my mental and physical health and the added stress that our puppy brings to it. I want our puppy to live the best life possible and I often wonder if that's not with us? A decision has not been made yet, obviously, but I feel like we need to make one soon. Of course, if it came to rehoming him, I would contact the breeder but also I would work hard to find him a great home because I know he deserves that.

Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. And please be kind, this situation is already hard enough and I realize there is a stigma attached to the idea of rehoming a dog.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Hello and welcome. Sorry it's under these circumstances.

Ultimately, only you can decide whether you can cope, or whether rehoming him is your only option.

What I would say is that all of the things you mention - the pulling, the excitement, the grabbing clothes and so on - are all things that can be improved with training. And, we can help with that, but it would still fall on you to actually execute it. If you want to try, I'd suggest picking on two or perhaps three priorities, that can give you quick(ish) wins and help you feel like you are making progress. And at 12, your son can and should get involved too, to take some of the pressure from you.

On the other hand, if you don't feel you can cope, rehome him. But please be very, very careful; as I'm sure you know there's a lot of pressure on shelters right now and some private rehomers have agendas that don't bear thinking about.

Let me just link one video below on teaching impulse control. If he was my dog, that's where I'd start.

 
#3 ·
Thank you for your reply. Luckily, some of the behaviors I mentioned are no longer an issue. Some of the more difficult behaviors to train (leash walking being one) are still not good. We did have a second trainer set up but she ended up not being able to fulfill her training obligations.

Although his behaviors can be frustrating at times, they are not necessarily what would be a deciding factor as I know dogs are going to be dogs. I think for me, the deciding factor would be the affects on my mental and physical health. We have had him for nearly 10 months and I have tried really hard to make things work. I really do think a lack of support at home is a big factor in a decision but unfortunately my husband's job is important to our household and he cannot easily change jobs. Yes, my 12 year old should help (if I ask him to he will help with certain things) but ultimately I can only expect so much from him. I had hoped he'd be more involved in wanting to play with our dog and spending quality time with him but he just seems to like the idea of a dog rather than all that comes with it.
 
#4 ·
If you are like a lot of other people you have been accumulating emotional debt since the start of 2020: struggling to keep a tween on track academically during the chaos of the covid situation, caring for your beloved dying dog, worrying about your family's health during the quarantines, keeping the household running while your husband is traveling, and so forth. At some point the emotional debt comes due. I wonder if some of the anxiety you feel is delayed reaction to what's been going on in the world for the past two years. If so, rehoming the puppy might not provide complete relief from depression and anxiety.

That being said, puppy blues are a real thing. Puppies are brats, and some are definitely brattier than others. You are still in puppy adolescence. The behavior you have seen from your puppy for the last few months is probably the absolute worst this dog will be. I would expect to see a slow improvement in many of his worst traits and possibly a slightly faster improvement if you can get help from a good trainer. I'm wondering if even a good dog walker might help with some of your stress while you sort out your feelings.
 
#5 ·
Thank you for your reply. Yes, life has been very tough the past two years. No doubt the stress of the pandemic plays a part. I have also dealt with chronic pain/illness over the last 10 years so I am far too familiar with heightened anxiety and depression. I definitely do not fully blame the puppy for the decline in my mental health, I just know that he is a contributing factor. I definitely sensed this could happen. I believe that my hesitation prior to getting him was my gut intuition knowing that I couldn't handle any more.

I agree that his behavior should slowly get better. But I also am not really sure that it's behavior as much as just something else needing so much of me and feeling like I don't have the mental capacity. That's where I am trying to decide what to do.
 
#6 ·
How are you planning to find a new home? Could the breeder help you?
I am sorry you are having health issues. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
 
#7 ·
How are you planning to find a new home? Could the breeder help you?
I am sorry you are having health issues. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
If we rehomed him I would ask some friends/people I know in the area and go from there. It's also in our contract to notify the breeder, and I will do that, but I have learned that she really doesn't vet people the way she should. We basically just had to fill out an application and have a quick conversation. I would want to make sure 100% that wherever he went would be a good fit and then I could let the breeder know.
 
#8 ·
In your shoes I'd be asking myself two questions:

Is there anything I can do that would change my mind about keeping the dog? Maybe talking to a counsellor to address accumulated mental stresses, getting help around the house to make more time for the dog and yourself, or employing a dog-walker could change your outlook. Even asking your son for help (at 12, they should be more than capable of looking after a dog with very little oversight on your part) should be a possibility.

Can I find a better home for them than the one I provide? If your home isn't the right one, that's okay, but you don't want to be in a position to regret the care they get once they leave you either.

Best of luck making the right decision.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top