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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi Everyone,

I have joined today because my beautiful Border Collie passed away last week, I am not coping, and I am living with severe guilt.

I miss her so much and I just can't accept that my girl has gone, it's horrendous and I am sure many of you can understand how horrible this is.

I feel guilt because her life at the end was not as good as it should have been. She really adored the summer months, she would spend literally hours in the garden with me in the summer, running around playing, digging, splashing in water, chasing bubbles. She was spending hours outside in the garden playing with me even in August and September of this year, enjoying the stimulation and exercise.

For the past few months, now the evenings are dark and cold, we were not playing in the garden, she was of course still getting walks, but she wasn't going on very long walks any more, the past few months she chose to just go out for a gentle sniff instead of big walks.

I am so worried that she wasn't stimulated enough in those last months of her life, she spent most of the day sleeping, and going out for several 5 minute walks per day. (I work from home so she never had to be on her own)

I feel so guilty because I feel the last few months of her life were really boring, she adored the summer months and I loved giving her the best time, those summer days compared with these last few months are so vastly different.

On the weekdays she would get up with my mum in the mornings and come downstairs, but on the weekends my Mum is always away so I would take her upstairs to bed with me and sleep in quite late, so my poor old girl would be stuck in the room with me on the weekends until 1:30pm-ish. Then just get a few little walks in the afternoon to sniff about. I feel so so horrendously bad because I am scared she was bored and not stimulated enough. I feel like I allowed her to get old.

Her death is something I cannot forgive myself for. She had to be PTS because she had an open pyometra, her vet said she was extremely ill but an operation would be possible, he said it also would not be the wrong thing to do to have her PTS. This is so so horrible - I should have gone for the operation, I should have rang family and asked for help with the money, or rang a charity, I strongly feel I made the wrong choice to have her PTS, I feel I have taken her life away from her because of my own stupidity, because I couldn't think quick enough, I honesty feel like a murderer. I am so so sorry, she could have enjoyed another (Or two, or three? She was only 11 years old) summer if I had just done things differently. I can't forgive myself and I am in agony, she was such a beautiful Dog, she deserved so much better than what she got with me at the end. It all happened so fast. I just feel so much now that she could still be here, and she's not. It's agony.

I betrayed her, I didn't fight for her and I can't believe it.

She had one life, and she could still be here enjoying it if I had done better by her. There is nothing that will change this fact.
 

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I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. You made the decision you thought was right in the moment, and obviously you love her. Try to be a little easier on yourself.
 

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Do not blame yourself. I know that it is very hard, but your pup is not upset with your decision, believe me.

I had to put my Nysha down October 27th. The first week or so I felt extremely guilty. Why didn't I pay for her surgery? Why didn't we try to help her? etc., etc.

You can't do that to yourself. There is nothing you can do now, to constantly put yourself down will only make your grieving and healing time worse.

It sounds to me as if you really loved her and she really loved you. She understands and she is still with you. Just talk to her.
 

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Unfortunately death is very permanent. You can take some satisfaction that you cared so much for her, and that her life was better and more enjoyable because of it. Though its not possible to ever replace our loving dogs, you can share your love and caring for another dog, maybe another Border Collie. Think of it as a memorial to and for your lost dog. Also think of how much benefit it would be for another dog to have some one who really cared for and about him or her.
 

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(((HUGS))) I'm sorry that you've had to go through that, and I know just how much guilt makes a beloved dog's death so much harder, especially when we play the what if game.

It was harder for me to get over Jersey's death then Shadow's, that's because I think that Jersey's death could have been prevented. I had to learn to quit play what if. What if I had gotten home sooner, what if the person I had watching her had called me to let me know she was sick, what if they had taken her to the vet, what if I hadn't gone on that trip, what if what if what if???

You need to do what I had to do, not play what if, forgive yourself, know that you made the best decisions you could at the time, and that your girl was completely loved. Time will help the unbearable pain lessen, it does get easier but it take awhile, for me a solid month.
 

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just this post alone shows you would have done everything for your dog. dont forget in nature lions and wolfs are pretty lazy. they just HAVE to get a sweat on when they are hungry to eat.
sometimes caring, companionship and listening to what the other needs and wants is more important. you have done good. i bet your baby is at rainbow bridge wishing you wouldnt beat yourself up like this. <3 sometimes an op is not the right thing to do. money or not. reading between the lines, she was a good old age. i know you are hurting, but maybe think about adopting a dog from a shelter, to oooze all that penned up love on.
 

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Your guilty feelings are the acute pain of grief and loss. The more you love, the deeper the hurt. It is a part of your journey through life. You and beautiful dog walked down this road together, and now you travel alone, and it feels horrible. That's love. May you love again as deeply and hopefully less guilty feelings (although I suspect your 'guilt' is really 'grief'). It sounds like you gave her a wonderful walk through life.

Ps. I lost my girlie in September.
 

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It sounds like she had a pretty great life if you ask me. And sometimes the best choice is also the hardest one. You chose not to let your sweet girl suffer, and that is a gift of true love. She went to sleep peacefully and felt absolutely no pain any longer. There are a lot of dogs (heck, and people!) who should be so lucky to live loved and die gently.
Your dog is at peace, now let yourself be at peace too. It's perfectly normal to grieve her loss, and even to second-guess your choice to put her to sleep. But rest assured that what you did was compassionate and responsible. A lot of people are too selfish and irresponsible to recognize that letting a dog go is the kindest thing they can do for it.

I had to put my best buddy of 15 years to sleep a few years back. I laid on the floor of the examining room with him, hugging him and crying and telling him he was the best dog in the whole world. He struggled when they went to give him the shot, so they gave him a sedative and then let he and I have our "goodbye". When I left he was still alive, though pretty much nodding out of consciousness. He had been unwell the day before, and had been steadily declining in health due to old age and an infection that had arisen in his throat. He was having a hard time breathing, eating, and drinking, had already gone deaf, was partially blind, and had arthritis. Gone was my happy, healthy, active boy. He was suffering, and I could not stand the sight of it. The last time I saw him, he was finally unstressed and at ease. I know when they came in to give him the shot, he slipped quietly away.

Part of having them in our lives is knowing that we will have to say goodbye to them at some point. You did the right thing by your girl. I promise.
 

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Unfortunately death is very permanent. You can take some satisfaction that you cared so much for her, and that her life was better and more enjoyable because of it. Though its not possible to ever replace our loving dogs, you can share your love and caring for another dog, maybe another Border Collie. Think of it as a memorial to and for your lost dog. Also think of how much benefit it would be for another dog to have some one who really cared for and about him or her.
I had to come back here and say I agree 100% with this. Our furbabies teach us how to love unconditionally. She would want you to give your love to another animal. Maybe just not yet, but also maybe if you feel you are ready for it.

Just again, don't be so hard on yourself. Especially with the what-if game.
 

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*virtual hug* Please don't beat yourself up. That will only make it harder. Your dog loved you and knew you loved her. Dogs don't hold grudges against loving owners and they don't think about possible mistakes loving owners do. Everyone feels guilt about their animals after they are gone. I still even feel guilty for not being patient enough with my beagle (who had to be put to sleep last year about this time) when she was naughty. But you know, I doubt she remember my impatience or anger at seeing the mess on the floor. She remembers licks, hugs, treats, playtime, and sleeping in a warm bed.

It is extremely difficult, but sometimes we have to balance what is best for our savings account and health. It is so difficult, but she knows you wanted to make the right decision and the most important thing is that you loved her. If anything, you posting here proves it, and she knows it. Dogs are keen like that, even at the very end.

I would advise you try to distract yourself with something. Play a game, read a new book, watch a new TV series, something that will take up a lot of time. Do not blame yourself. That will only make you feel worse. When the time feels right, I would get another dog. Your border collie would want you to be happy because you made her so happy. Just try to take care of yourself now. I know it is hard, but you have to. Your dog wouldn't want to see you sad. *hugs again*
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you everybody for your kind words, it has been very helpful to read all of your messages.

I am feeling extremely fragile, it's like there is a part of me that is missing, and all I can think about is her.

I have actually been thinking about giving a home to another Dog, but everything I look and consider doing do it just feels incredibly wrong, it makes me feel guilty for thinking about getting another Dog.

I am empty without her, she was completely one of a kind, she was so in tune with me it was amazing. She was my little Doggy soul mate x
 
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