This is going to be long so thanks in advance to anyone who reads it and offers me words of comfort...
My dear 10 year old dog had to be euthanised on Thursday morning due to cancer. I was expecting a similar thing that I went through when my other dog died one and a half years ago. During her euthanasia I was crying so hard that I had to sit down because I nearly passed out. I was in pieces, constantly crying for the next two days and could not even do anything or think about anything else. I was just walking around the house and hysterically crying and begging my dog to come back, that's how sad I was. I cried every day for about a week and even after that I was sad for a very long time, cried every now and then and of course I still am sad and miss her. I kept replaying her euthanasia in my head and counting the hours and days and weeks since she died.
This time was so different.. I cried during the euthanasia and afterwards, but my grief was a lot milder. I wasn't hysterical. She was euthanised in the morning and even that day only a few hours after it I was writing down memories of her and I even felt peaceful and happy. When I replay her euthanasia in my head it feels so different than with my other dog. With my other dog it really felt like the end, but with this dog it didn't, I didn't feel the need to go through it in my head over and over again. The day she died I was (and still am) so disbelieving and almost felt like she was there, felt her presence. She was so alive and still happy before she died (the tumour was in her mouth and was starting to get painful), that I can't believe she is gone. Today is only the second full day after her passing, yet I haven't properly cried. I get sad and anxious when I think about it and I miss her and simply cannot believe she is dead. Yet I can already think of other things and when my mind is occupied I don't feel that sad. I don't know what on earth is going on with me... I feel absolutely horrible about this and have never felt this guilty before. Why am I not grieving properly?? I can imagine my dog looking down and thinking, I guess she didn't really care for me after all.. You might think that I was closer with my other dog but it's not the case, I love both equally and this dog that was just euthanised has been with us for half of my life, I literally grew up with her and she was the perfect friend and dog. It's not like I'm numb either, I feel other emotions, even happiness etc. I have been looking at pictures of her and trying to cry because it would make me feel better but I just feel anxious, sad and disbelieving but apparently not sad enough to cry.
I have been thinking, maybe it's because I knew she had a terminal illness and I had anticipatory grief ever since we heard about her cancer, for around six to seven weeks. So I had time to prepare for her death and yes, I feel relief for not having to worry about her suffering and her pains growing. However, my other dog was very old when she died and I had been scared of her passing for years, so I did have anticipatory grief, although of course I didn't know how soon it would happen. When my other dog died I still had this dog and it was a huge comfort, a lifeline really. So I was imagining this time would be worse, since she was the only pet we had and I have no dog left to comfort me. People always say that a pet dying never gets any easier... What is wrong with me?!? I feel horrible!! Why am I so emotionless and appear so uncaring? I would rather go through the hell I had to go through with my other dog than this horrible sense of not caring and basically recovering in two days!! Help

My dear 10 year old dog had to be euthanised on Thursday morning due to cancer. I was expecting a similar thing that I went through when my other dog died one and a half years ago. During her euthanasia I was crying so hard that I had to sit down because I nearly passed out. I was in pieces, constantly crying for the next two days and could not even do anything or think about anything else. I was just walking around the house and hysterically crying and begging my dog to come back, that's how sad I was. I cried every day for about a week and even after that I was sad for a very long time, cried every now and then and of course I still am sad and miss her. I kept replaying her euthanasia in my head and counting the hours and days and weeks since she died.
This time was so different.. I cried during the euthanasia and afterwards, but my grief was a lot milder. I wasn't hysterical. She was euthanised in the morning and even that day only a few hours after it I was writing down memories of her and I even felt peaceful and happy. When I replay her euthanasia in my head it feels so different than with my other dog. With my other dog it really felt like the end, but with this dog it didn't, I didn't feel the need to go through it in my head over and over again. The day she died I was (and still am) so disbelieving and almost felt like she was there, felt her presence. She was so alive and still happy before she died (the tumour was in her mouth and was starting to get painful), that I can't believe she is gone. Today is only the second full day after her passing, yet I haven't properly cried. I get sad and anxious when I think about it and I miss her and simply cannot believe she is dead. Yet I can already think of other things and when my mind is occupied I don't feel that sad. I don't know what on earth is going on with me... I feel absolutely horrible about this and have never felt this guilty before. Why am I not grieving properly?? I can imagine my dog looking down and thinking, I guess she didn't really care for me after all.. You might think that I was closer with my other dog but it's not the case, I love both equally and this dog that was just euthanised has been with us for half of my life, I literally grew up with her and she was the perfect friend and dog. It's not like I'm numb either, I feel other emotions, even happiness etc. I have been looking at pictures of her and trying to cry because it would make me feel better but I just feel anxious, sad and disbelieving but apparently not sad enough to cry.
I have been thinking, maybe it's because I knew she had a terminal illness and I had anticipatory grief ever since we heard about her cancer, for around six to seven weeks. So I had time to prepare for her death and yes, I feel relief for not having to worry about her suffering and her pains growing. However, my other dog was very old when she died and I had been scared of her passing for years, so I did have anticipatory grief, although of course I didn't know how soon it would happen. When my other dog died I still had this dog and it was a huge comfort, a lifeline really. So I was imagining this time would be worse, since she was the only pet we had and I have no dog left to comfort me. People always say that a pet dying never gets any easier... What is wrong with me?!? I feel horrible!! Why am I so emotionless and appear so uncaring? I would rather go through the hell I had to go through with my other dog than this horrible sense of not caring and basically recovering in two days!! Help