Dog Forum banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,881 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I think I´ve told a few of you about my dad. He has always certainly been an irresponsible owner, training, socialising and managament has always been lacking with his animals. But there has never been true neglect or abuse. They always had food and water, lived inside and were for the most part taken to the vet (Personally I would have desexed the cats and considered surgery instead of euthanasia for one of the labs).

What I have found out recently has left me in shock, disbelief and tears. My father is an alcoholic and has been for decades but he has always been a functional one, kept a job, kept two long term relationships for 16 and 10 years which resulted in me, my sister and little half sister. 3 years ago my step mum left him and he has been on a downwards spiral since and I had already cut of the relationship, changed my surname to my mothers but I foolisly gave him another chance.

I knew my little sister (11 years old) would be staying with him for a few weeks this summer. He like all addicts are master liars and manipulators and he had gotten a cat as a way to convince my sister to beg her mum to let her stay. I was so concerned about my sisters welfare while with him that I contacted an acquantance who works in child protection but he said it wasnt serious enough for them to investigate or intervene. :mad:

While my sister was there his cat gave birth to 6 kittens. She named them all and sent me pictures. I wasnt happy that she wasnt spayed but they looked in good health.

During all this I lived in another country. I was studying in the UK, they live in Iceland. I moved back a week ago.

two days ago I spoke to my little sister. :( Apparently dad had been drinking while she was there (after promising not to) but she hadnt dared call her mum and tell her to take her home because she knew he forgets to feed the mother cat. So she stayed in that aweful situation to take care of the cat.

But she eventually had to go home (lives in another town with her mum). A bit after that she finds out through the news that dad abandoned the mother cat and 6 3week old kittens in the apartment when he left it. She is devestated, convinced they were starved.

Her mum has told her that if they are still in the shelter when they come home from holiday they can adopt her. However I spoke to the cat shelter and tried to explain the situation to the lady. She was nice I think she realises that I wasnt the one responsible and certainly not my little sister. However they don´t want to adopt the mother cat or any of the kittens to anyone who is connected to the person who abandoned them.

I sort of understand the reasoning, we might be lying to simply return her to him and honestly if he managed to convince her mother to send my little sister to him for several weeks he might be able to lie to get his cat back.

Although It wasnt my cat, I wasnt even in the same country or else I would have gone and get them. It was still a shock and extremely painful to be told that I wasnt allowed to adopt an animal because I might be the abuser or put them back in a neglectful situation.

Im going to speak to her mother, I suppose if they dont tell the shelter that they are connected to him, the shelter doesnt know by name who did this my sister can get her cat back. My step mum has always cared very well for her animals. That wouldnt be a problem. She would have love, food and vet care.

In the very least I´ve asked the shelter whether the foster family can send me some photos so I can show my little sister that she is ok. She was a bit thin but they said that could also be because she is nursing 6 kittens.

I don´t really know what to do, Im in shock. My dad has always been an inconsidered idiot but he has never been cruel like that. He´s calling me today, he doesnt know I know about this, I don´t want to talk to him.

Im just devestated and I riddle with guilt like I was the one who left them in that apartment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,881 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I have decided though that if abandoning animals like that is illegal I will report him to the police.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,415 Posts
I'm so sorry you and your sister are dealing with this. I can't begin to imagine how you and she must be feeling, but guilt is the last emotion you should have. I hope she is able to get her cat from the rescue. She sounds like an amazing little girl. Sending good thoughts to everyone involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,066 Posts
I would contact the police. I work for child protection and I would talk with your step mom about him drinking while caring for your sister. It is a dangerous situation and something that can impact your sister long term. It already sounds like she is desensitized to it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: spotsonofbun

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,421 Posts
Is there any sort of support program where you and your siblings live (I know you aren't all in the same country) for the families of alcoholics? I certainly wouldn't speak to him if he calls.

I understand from an emotional point of view why you feel badly for the cat and kittens. I do think it's vital that you keep in mind that you can't control the actions of someone with an illness like alcoholism. The shelter can't be blamed either for their policy. Sad situation for everyone. I hope the shelter finds homes for the mama kitty and her kittens.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,881 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I would contact the police. I work for child protection and I would talk with your step mom about him drinking while caring for your sister. It is a dangerous situation and something that can impact your sister long term. It already sounds like she is desensitized to it.
I´ve been telling her not to send her there for 3 years, she has full custody. The thing is as you say there is so much desensitation and codependence there its horrible. When you´ve lived in that situation for long you forget it isnt a normal thing to happen. It was like this in part when I was little and I came out of that with some emotional scars and the situation today is worse.

He got the cat in part to emotionally manipulate the girl to ask her mum to go to him. When I spoke to her mum she said that she had caved because ´he promised not to drink´ :eyeroll: and ´what am I supposed to do when she asks to go´I dont know be a parent and say no to the 11 year old...
@Grabby I dont blame the rescue for the policy/decision as far as they know I could be lying to get the cat back to the original owner. It's a good shelter in the past they've called us immediately when our missing cat turned up at their rescue (microchipped) and they took good care of him the short time he was there and were very nice and polite about everything. It was still a shock to be in a very mild manner be told that I was potential a risk to an animals welfare.

The mum and kittens are being fostered. I just hope they can send me some pictures so I can show my little sister that they are ok and that they weren't starved, mommy wasnt in such a bad condition. A bit slim but that could be from the nursing.

I just want my sister to have some closure. She has these aweful images in her mind of the cats being starved.

I've contacted an icelandic animal welfare/rights lawyer basically asking him whether the police will do something if I tell them who abandoned them.

My dad called today, he doesn't know I know about this. I lied about why I couldnt meet him today. He's calling again tomorrow. I really don't know what to say to him, I know this is it, I cannot keep a relationship with a person who can do this to animals and children. But I just don't know what to say. I thought I couldn't have any lower opinions of him and he managed to prove me wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,881 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
There is a mirror organisation to AA for families of addicts. Honestly I think I will just find a psychologist, It would be a lot easier to put this all to rest, my childhood wasnt horrific I have a great mum who did good damage control. But its hard to put the past to rest when I have to relive it through my sister.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
228 Posts
I just wanted to say that I empathize with you greatly. My dad is also an alcoholic (although not a functional one at all...) and my sister and I have suffered a lot for it, and I also have felt responsible for his animals.

I'm so sorry for you and your siblings and I deeply understand how hard it is.

-hugs-
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,780 Posts
I'm so sorry that that happened to your sister and the cat and kittens, what a horrible situation to be put in! You're not responsible, please remember that. Remember that if you would have had charge of your sister she would not have went, if you would have known about the cat and kittens being left behind you would have been the one rescuing them. Don't take the blame for any of that onto your self.

Alcoholism runs merrily through my family, as does drug abuse. What those of us in the family who are not alcoholics or drug addicts have learned to do is to distance ourselves from the ones who are. We will give them food, but that's it, we don't let them live with us, we do not give them money, they end up on the streets then we'll point them to the shelter. It sounds harsh, and it is harsh, but we learned the hard way that doing more then that just enables them to continue to abuse the alcohol or drugs. We're there if they say they want to get into rehab and will gladly help with that.

Let your sister's mom know that letting sister stay with him alone, even if he is clean and sober at the moment, is playing with fire. I've seen it in my own family with my younger cousin, who was 9 years old at the time, but the father in that case is a drug addict. Sometime after my cousin went for a visit father started abusing again and my cousin was never the same after that, he left a happy go lucky little boy, and returned a confused, angry, moody, little boy. If your sister wants to visit with her father it needs to be supervised.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
455 Posts
I feel for you. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up (now been sober 10 years!) and I have struggled w drug addiction (been in recovery a year and a half!). It is not your fault. Addicts/alcoholics are some of the most manipulative people out there, so it's not surprising he got a cat just to lure her in, then dumped it. Again, not your fault. It's not entirely his fault either, he may really want to stop doing what he's doing but the disease of addiction is stopping him. I understand fully if you want to "detach w love" but remember to have a little compassion for the one who's life is being directly destroyed by the alcoholism.
I hope they are able to get that kitty. Best wishes to all involved.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
I get how you feel too, a bit the opposite. My mom was the alcoholic growing up, put my brother and I through hell. Drunk druggy with hallucinations and a gun does not end well.
Feeling guilty over things you couldn't stop gets you nowhere, in all honesty. You can't change what's been done, you can only prevent it from happening again. Maybe you need to tell him you can't trust him when he drinks, and until he stops and gets help, you and your sister aren't gonna visit him. Tell him when he's ready to get help, you'll be there one hundred percent, otherwise he can do whatever the hell he wants, just don't drag yall into it.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top