A few weeks ago I posted about my dog Harley and his battle with congestive heart failure.
Yesterday he was breathing short and shallow, but was eating and being himself. I went to the dentist, had the intention of going to work after, but my gut told me to go home. I got home at 9:30am and decided to give him extra meds to help his breathing.
He was tired and eventually the breathing was labored enough that I knew it was time. I talked to him for a long time and told him it was ok to go and that we would help him. I called my husband and we set an appointment at the vet so they could assist Harley with his journey.
By the time we got there, he was really struggling, so they gave him a dose of morphine to take the edge off. They took him in the back to put the line in his leg, and when they brought him back, his heart was already irregular and he was on his way out. So the dr quickly assisted him as my husband and I hugged him and told him how loved he is. I put my head on his chest and listened to his heart stop. I'm happy I got to hear the last beat and hold him afterward.
We worked so hard to keep him happy and healthy. He had a cardiologist, a case of pills he took each day, home cooked meals, and so many belly rubs. We carried him up and down the stairs so he wouldn't get winded. We did everything we could. I just hope we did enough.
I miss him. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest and I keep thinking I'm wrong and he's actually not gone. I asked the doctor several times if she was sure that he was actually dead because it doesn't seem real.
The house is quiet now. He used to snore as he slept, like a little old man. I stayed up all night because I couldn't hear him snoring.
I don't know how people get through this type of pain. I've lost family member before, but this is raw and ugly. I'm dried out from crying. When I cry, there are no tears now. Just gut wrenching pain and a feeling of helplessness.
Sorrry for the ugly side of grief. I just don't know who else would understand what I'm going through, other than you all.