On Tuesday January 6, 2009 I had to put Dakota down. My beautiful Blue Dobie.
We had been together for 8 and a half years. HE CHANGED MY LIFE.
I took Dakota to the vet to have him checked for what I thought was a sprain. Time for his comprehensive exam as well.
Arriving to pick him up we went over his chart.
She looked at me and said Pam, "Dakota has bone cancer." She had tears in her eyes. She knew the very special connection we shared.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
She said maybe six months, probably less. Said I would know when it was time. Now was not the time.
We left the office with medications. Maximum strength he could be on for his weight of 94 lbs. He was a big guy. 31 inches at the shoulder. Rimadyl at 100mg twice a day and Tramadol at 150mg twice a day.
I became obsessed with timing his meals so he wouldn't have more than necessary time between drugs.
Lost my job on Sept. 20th. I committed myself to him until his final day. I could not afford to do this. But it's the only way I could do it.
Last Saturday morning about 12:10 a.m. he wanted to go outside. He had been peeing on the deck recently. He wanted to go down into the yard. He got his front feet to the first step and could go no further. He cried with frustration. I put his collar on and tried to help him by taking his weight off the bad leg. He just didn't know how to go one step at a time this way. He was used to jumping with me holding his collar from the SUV. I could hold his weight so he only had to use the good leg to land.
He jumped the next two steps. Caught the back of his left rear leg on a non-slip material on the steps and nicked the skin enough to bleed. Now he would do anything but lick the wound.
Brought him back inside. I grabbed some anti-septic and wrapped the minor wound. Painful to him.
Fell asleep on the sofa across from him. When I awoke that morning the first thought on my mind was the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. What I needed to do for him.
I phoned the vet. Asked when she could come out. She said Monday or Tuesday. I said Tuesday would be fine.
Nothing could possibly prepare me for this event.
For about a week he hadn't wanted to stand to eat his morning meal. Didn't really want to eat at all but I couldn't give him any meds without the food. I think the pain level discouraged eating, being without drugs all night long. I would coax him and sit on the floor, hand feeding him his meal. He was okay with evening meals and treats were good most any time.
I wanted to do something special for him.
Our last night together I bought him a HUGE Chuck steak. Steamed some carrots, baked a potato and put Yogurt on it. He had been on a raw food diet for years. I put off buying the raw food his last week as I knew I had to do something. It's 50 miles round trip for his food twice a month.
I warmed the steak under the broiler just enough to take the chill off. Put the meal of steak, carrots and potato on plates and a cookie sheet which I took to the living room. I sat on the floor next to his chair. Cut the meat into small bite size pieces and hand fed him off a fork each and every bite. It was great for both of us. He salivated between bites and I smiled. Ate the entire pound and a half of steak, all of the carrots and a bit of the potato. Planned Vanilla Ice Cream for desert but we didn't get to it. I will eat it for him when I am ready.
We went to bed that night on the mattress on the floor in my bedroom. I had taken the bed apart when I learned of his condition. Didn't want him to have to jump down from the bed. Felt like the 60's again.
We laid side by side close to each other. His body heat was always very intense. He didn't snore that night. Just slept deeply.
It was the best night sleep I'd had in many weeks. I think knowing I had made the decision, and that it was the right one, allowed my sleep.
It was almost 8:00 a.m. before I started to get his breakfast. I looked at the clock and said to myself " only six more hours," and began to stress. I was a mess. Don't remember alot of the time before she came. I do remember lieing on the floor with him and telling him how much I loved him. How much he had changed my life and how grateful I was to know him. I can honestly say my pain could not have been any harder to bear if I had been putting my child down. HE was so much more than a child to me. He was my partner. The guy who was always anxious to see me. Never disappointed me. A good times Charley guy. Never doubted me. Waited with anxious expectation no matter where we were going. Provided hilarious moments at absolutely no cost. Stood beside me and I was never alone.
The phone rang about two. She was letting me know she was on her way. I know it was also to be sure I wanted to go ahead with it. She didn't say this however. I replied that I was waiting.
My daughter had come to be with me. She was spending the night. Soooo glad. I opened a bottle of Chardonnay and drank a couple of glasses very quickly. On my empty stomach it didn't take long to feel a tiny bit more relaxed. I told my daughter I felt like someone in the gas chamber waiting for the pellets to drop. How intense could that be? Passing out would have been the only other alternative to drinking the wine and trying to get to a better emotional space.
The vet and her assistant pulled into my drive. I had moved my vehicle to provide easier access to her. She came in, greeted Dakota and sat and talked with him for a bit. Told me she knew I was doing the right thing. That he was painful, tired and ready. About twenty minutes passed and I realized I had been going on and on about nothing important. I said, " we better get started on this." During my blankness they had put a pretty lavender blanket on my sofa. Plastic under the blanket just in case he released himself after he passed on. Not an uncommon event.
I sat down on the sofa and called him to the sofa. He didn't hesitae. Jumped right up next to me but in the wrong direction. I got him to turn around and he put his legs across my legs.
The assistant helped Jill, my vet, find the vein in his left front leg. She explained to me that Dakota would go into a very deep sleep. That it would a short time before he was "NO LONGER WITH US" and not to be alarmed. That's just how it was. He raised his head within 30 seconds of the injection. Looked to the left then straight ahead. The vet explained he was feeling a strange sensation, much like we do when going under anesthesia. Overwhelmed, he gave into it. He laid his head on my lap. I stroked his head, tears flowing. She checked for a heart beat. Hearing a very slow, shallow beat she said "he is still with us." A second later he took a breath, then another. She said that sounds like his last breath. Checked his heart again and said he had passed.
Such a tramatic experience. Never such emotions in my life.
I stayed in the same place on the sofa with Dakota for maybe ten minutes. Then we heard the tale tale sound of him possibly releasing his bowels. He laid on the lavender blanket prior to the procedure. The sides were drawn up and over to cover him. The plastic bag under the blanket drawn over his rump to his shoulder area. At no time did they cover his head which I appreciated. I helped the vet take him from the sofa to the stretcher which lied on the floor below the sofa. The assistant was here to do such things but I wanted to do it. He was strapped onto the stretcher and taken to the back of the OutBack they arrived in.
I walked out with them. Hugged the vet and thanked her for coming to my home. She doesn't usually do this. It was also her day off. I said one last good-bye to my baby and watched them pull away. I don't know how I survived this.
I am however forever indebted to the extreme level of care I had received for Dakota since meeting the people at BanField. I have known MD's who did not provide the care and concern for myself which I always felt I received through BanField for Dakota. They had been seeing us since 2001 when I came back to Washington State. I never felt that any of my concerns were not worthy of taking a look into. A supurb clinic to take an animal to.
I am not yet over this. Yesterday I picked up one of his water bowls and emptied it. Put it in the dish washer. The other one by the front door I emptied, washed out and refilled with fresh cold water. Sat it back where it has always been. Cried at the same time.
I just can't put the food bowl and water dish away as yet. I hung his collar on my rear view mirror. No more looking to the back of the SUV and seeing him looking at me in the same mirror. Just reversed views.
Dakota and his favorite orange monkey are being cremated. Has probably already occured. I expect the call saying I can come and get him. I had a private cremation. Cost a little more but I will only get HIS ashes back. Only way it could be done. He was never a mixture of anything but himself.
Should anyone reading this care to reply I welcome your comments. I hope it helps someone in someway. It's never easy.
Best advise I can offer to anyone who is even remotely as devoted to their partner, pet, friend, is this : Never assume you will have them tomorrow. Provide them with the best you can today. Enjoy all of their crazy antics and blame no one but yourself if they are less than you expected them to be. Give them lot's of love and attention.
I for one have no regrets. Dakota exceeded any of my expectations.
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